The mechanics of a funeral

Death brings out the worst in family. Have you noticed that?

It almost never seems to smooth the edges of relationships and bring about healing but seems to rip open wounds and pick at scabs that have not truly healed. Sometimes it makes old scars throb like people who know it is going to storm because their wounds ache and warn them of impending doom or at least rain.

Watching a family mourn from the edge has been a new experience for me. Most of these people are very big personalities, not wall flowers, so they mourn much like multi-layered family does. The story behind this woman guarantees the intensity of this week...The guilt of her grown children, the indescribable pain of her last two surviving sisters.

The funeral home is brand new and was perfect fodder for comic relief last night. My family always turns to laughter at these things, so naturally that is just how I responded. Couldn't help myself.

There is this little viewing room where a whole family can go and sit, say their final goodbyes to their love ones before they get cremated. The cremation room is tiled like the universe, with a navigation star on the floor and the "oven" is all chromed out like something on pimp my ride.

It is beautiful and creepy.

There is a viewing glass like what they have to watch someone put to death...The families stand and mourn, pray, party whatever. Then the body is rolled on chrome wheelie things into the oven for firing. In another room they have a gift shop with at least 60 different Urns, personal Urns so the kids can all get a piece of the action and if you really want Urn Necklaces for constant wearing of your Loved One. Yuck. I am told they even make the rings...

Anyway, I walked into the room when Jimmy the funeral director, also Charley's second cousin, was explaining to everyone (all family) how the oven works. One of the woman is very large and said so I could fit in there in one piece and would come out about normal size ashes because the fat all melts, right?

My sister-in-law said: "Yes but it would smell like bacon."

At the funeral.

With little kids, her little kid by the way, in the room too. We are a bad bunch of people.

The conversation never got any better than that. So when we proceeded to the next part of the funeral home tour, since we were family and all, I had a piece of trash to toss and walked into the open air coat closet right outside the Fire-in-the-whole viewing room. It is a cold place, this town, so they have real coat closets.

And I burst into a full blown gut wrenching belly laugh so loud I almost peed my pants.

There on the wall, right outside the viewing room, was two light switches neatly labeled:

Fan, Fire.

The SWITCHES were for the fireplace....But it struck me as the funniest thing I had ever seen.

I mean really, given the choice I would pick fan, wouldn't you?