the awesomeness of it

New hope.

Profound change that some people can not fathom.

A new way of thinking.

I recall not knowing that black, African American, colored people, whatever name is given were not just people. I recall not knowing that there was such a thing as racism and hate. In my naive way I thought people were just people and all of us were the same, no matter what we looked like on the outside.

Truly I was quite old before it dawned on me there were problems in the world...big ones.

I grew up, in the very early years, poor. We lived in poor areas, where the rent was affordable. That said, we lived in the real parts of America, not in suburbia...where at that time, everyone was white. (White white, not chocolate.) So I lived with all sorts of people and in my family, there were black people and chocolate people and white people; however, I knew not that it was not common.

What I knew, was that I loved all sorts of people, and I did not love anyone because of their skin.

When I was nine, before my mom remarried, we live in a neighborhood were people were less accepting of anything but white people. I did not realize this though because I was a little blond haired, blue eyed child; that is, until an African American child came to my school.

And was singled out for the hatred of children in way one does not understand, unless one has also been hated as a child. I was appalled to learn that people judged others by their color.

Mystified.

All my life I had had black people as relatives and knew that people can be good or bad and it ha nothing to do with skin. I remember discussing it with my mom.

I remember the fourth grade, in 1976, as my point of maturation, the loss of my innocence.

So today, as a true blue Republican, I could not have been any prouder to be American than I felt watching history be remarkably made with a new leader and a new vision.

God save the Presidency.

flustered

One of my pet projects is trying to get my closest family members to understand that I do have a chronic illness and sometimes it takes it toll on me. That they do need to pitch in and help me because I get tried on a level that other people do not, the kind of tired sleep does not cure.

This little story about the spoons really explains it well.

MS is an invisible disease and being such, my family tends to think I can just go, go, go and do, do, do. Usually it is not until I break down into tears of frustration because they are all lounging around and I am still working my fanny off that they remember I am the one with a chronic illness.

The internet can be a horrible place when one is sick because the slightest little new thing leads to the Google bar...it does.

I have been feeling weird things in my mouth and so I have goggled them.

WHY!!!!

Now any sane person knows better than using the internet for health searches...but yet we do it. That is how people find my blog, daily.

I goggled 'coughing and ms.'

Decided I was dying and then goggled 'cheap wills.'

Had another cup of coffee. Then thought, "oh Christina Brown, get real, it is just phlegm in your throat."

Went and threw the ball to my kids instead.

Damn Google.

But still, my loved ones do not get what it is like to be me, they do not understand MS pain, fatigue, numbness, vertigo or fear.

Oh the well meaning advice of the internet.

life

It seems odd to me that Charley's family has embraced this newest addition so quickly but did not do the same for our other children. (They are embracing from several states away even!) This child can not even begin to feel their attention and will not really benefit from the attention he is getting.

Our older kids are the one that truly need their love.

This is something, of course, that they can not be told. They would not get it.

There is a reason that God did not have me go to my cousin's wedding and that we did not get to go to the family reunion this week. If we had, we would not been available for this child. And since he is basically abandoned it may make him easier to adopt. This will be the second baby the birth mother has done this to.

Can you imagine?

God's meaning

Disclosure for all my non-Christian readers....I will be talking about God again in this entry. (Yes, Sam, again.)

I had the incredible honor of listening to my nephew tell his story tonight and heard him first hand declare to a room full of his peers these two astounding things:


1. There is only one God.

2. I am a first generation Christian and I will change the destiny of my children.

(Ty & his big sister)
Let me tell you about this 15 year old boy-man who Charley and I now have guardianship of. His story (I know, you are thinking what kind of a story could a 15 yr. old have right?) is full of pain, loss and embitterment. His Mom (Charley's sister) and dad divorced when he was very, very young and he has since lived with a step dad, back with his real dad, with his grandparents, back to his real dad again and finally with us two weeks ago. You see, his dad was found guilty on four counts of child molestation and went to jail "for a while." He can't live with his G-ma because his sister is already there and they fight. He can't live with his Mom for a variety of reasons but the main one is her current boyfriend is mean to him. He had the choice of two of his mother's brothers and thank God he choose us.

I've mentioned his sister before, she is the one who didn't know what to wear to church because she had never been before. His half sister is the one who didn't know who Jesus was. And now Tyler. I fully think that God has had me endure the losses in my life just so that I could come into the lives of these children. I don't know for sure what their roles will be in this world but I know that God has a plan for them and especially for Tyler.

I am so humbled by His love and grace.




ckays1967 at 10:20:00 PM PDT Link to this entry

This entry has 10 comments: (Add your own)
Your nephew sounds like a very strong young man even
though he's beenthrough so much. It also sounds
like he is where he needs to be right now..
with you.
jerseygirl
http://journals.aol.com/cneinhorn/WonderGirl
Comment from cneinhorn - 8/12/04 6:41 PM



awww I am whelling up with tears. How proud you
must be to hear him say those words! I am sure you
will have many rewards in heaven, but this blessing
will be like a jewel in your crown.
Comment from hunybea4him - 8/12/04 12:17 AM



Mom...
Your faith in me has always guided me to making the
right and best choices. Thank you for raising me to
look at others with compassion and love.

xxoo Always yours. ckb
Comment from ckays1967 - 8/11/04 7:14 PM



God put your nephew right where He knew he needed
to be--with you and Charley. Your love has touched
so many people, my friend, within your home, and
here, in Journal land too. Love you. *Barb*
Comment from barbpinion - 8/11/04 2:19 PM



It continues to amaze me what some people have to go
through to get to the right place. And it is all with that
mysterious ways God has that does it. I pray that your
nephew will be able to over come all he has been
through, and not only love God, but turn out to be
a good man. Sounds like most of the men in his life
haven't been great examples.

Kathy
Comment from onestrangecat - 8/11/04 1:30 PM



I'll admit, Tyler does seem heaven-sent, as was the rainbow.
~~sam
Comment from cyberdancer1008 - 8/11/04 10:11 AM



This is a lucky boy to come into your loving home. Y'all
will be in my prayers as your new family dynamic finds
its place. God bless you -- you're a good woman.
Comment from sistercdr - 8/11/04 5:44 AM



I had to smile at this one Christina, because I know that you
can handle a mixed up, serious baggage toting teenager
with ease and grace. I am so proud of you for opening your
home and heart to Tyler. With you and Charlie, I know that
Tyler will experience many first's...He'll have consistancy,
unconditional love, guidance, respect and someone that
he can truly count on and trust. XOXOXO Mom
Comment from tsgerkin - 8/11/04 3:51 AM



I wish you lots of luck and many blessings. This is going to
be very tough indeed. Teens are a handful even if they don't
have issues. Your faith is very strong. God bless you.
Comment from readmereadyou - 8/11/04 1:21 AM



Christina-- Taking on a fifteen-year-old who is bound to
be pretty screwed up by his past family situation is a
HUGE undertaking. If I was a praying person, I would
pray for all the strength, wisdom, understanding, and
love that there is in the world, to be bestowed upon you.
You are going to need it! But I'm behind you 100%.
SOMEONE has to try to be the one to make the difference
in the lives of this kind of "forgotten" kid. Good luck...or
God bless you, or both! Lisa :-]
Comment from mlraminiak - 8/11/04 12:29 AM