...seems to be such a mystery to a control freak like me.....
When I was a little girl I was always the leader. That sort of thing came naturally to me and frankly has not ever stopped. In every job I have every held I have been eventually promoted to supervisor or simply hired as the boss right in the beginning. This has worked out well for my controlling nature. I like to be the one who makes the decisions. I am a decisive person. Just ask me and I'll tell you so.
There is a downside to this though, it means loneliness. It means having fewer people to lean on for advice or just commissary. This is one of the main reason I let any old comment happen in my blog. But, I want to be liked.
I do.
I want to be respected for thinking my own thoughts and for being damn brave enough to put it out there.
I am not a vanilla ice cream type of woman.
I am not milquetoast.
I am sex on the beach.
I am running with the bulls.
I am jumping out of airplanes.
I have a tattoo, it has instructions.
I am not milquetoast.
I am sex on the beach.
I am running with the bulls.
I am jumping out of airplanes.
I have a tattoo, it has instructions.
I do not want to live a life of mediocrity, safe and sound in my white, middle class Christianity. Judging the masses and looking DOWN my noses at people.
I want to know people and to be known.
My friends are as varied as the colors in a brand new box of crayons. My tastes in movies, literature, music, art and guess what religion are also just as varied.
I do not fit into your little mold of me because I refuse to be labeled.
On my bookshelf where I keep my six different bible versions (including, I think, a Catholic one) is the Book of Mormon, The Celestine Prophecy & Tenth Insight, The Tibetan Book of the Dead, Classic Philosophical Questions, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle maintenance, Seventh Day Adventist Believe, All the Loma Linda books, Rice, Auell, Cook, Mitchell, Left Behind Series, two shelves of poetry, Koontz, Clancy, Patterson, Complete works of Shakespeare, four books by James Joyce, Hemingway, Joseph Conrad, Faulkner, Ellison, Fitzgerald, Steinbeck, Buck, Haley, Huxley, Knowles, Heller, and on and on... The ones I just listed the Author names it is because I have collected more than one of their book and this entry would be too long.
Bear in mind I have read every book in this house, it is a deal my husband and I have. I may not keep have a book I have not read more than twice.
This is not bragging.
I tell you this because somewhere in these books I met my God. The people who wrote them introduced me to humanity and helped me discover that the dark creases that run in us all is the same. There are no original thoughts, they've all been thunked. LOL
Not really, but you see what I mean. Ah, yes my point?
To thy own self be true.
I am a control freak, it would be simple to moderate my comments and remove those that hurt my tender wee feelings (I am such a wussy) thereby eliminating all this messiness and crushed little ego. The reason I won't though is because I like people and I specifically like people who are different from me, who see things differently than I do. (I just want niceness, can't we all just get along?)This world is bigger than me and somewhere out there is the truth. God is out there too somewhere and damn it, I am gonna find Him.
Peace.
Christina! What a beautiful entry. Nothing gets people's hackles raised faster than discussions about God, surely. I skirt around the edges, yet I know the soulful life is what I'm after. I once courted the churches, but alas they are not for me. I think of God less as a "Him" or as a deity but as a presence. I think you would like Thomas Merton, whom I've written about in my old AOL blog. I was reading an article about him yesterday; he said his religion was breathing (he was a Trappist monk). That is how I want to be. I want my creative life, my breath, my spirit to be all one thing, taking into account there is something vast that holds it all together. Your quest is not only valid, Christina, it is who you are and there is no need to apologize. I know who you are: we are much alike. I know you. You know, we present a placid exterior, but inwardly we are the burning bush that Moses saw. We are mercy and danger all at the same time. Let your light shine!
ReplyDeleteIt is good to be, as you would call it, a "control freak." It is better to have the internal locus of control, than myself, who tends to have an external one. In other words, you tend to control life while life tends to control me. This happens because I was brought up wrong, what I learned in life when I was young proved to be false, and I now I have to spend time relearning it. I do it through my books. I search and pursue the meaning of life, in the exact way you describe, through my book collection. My Aristotle, my Bible, Plato, St. Augustine, Dante, Homer, Machiavelli, Margaret Mead -- in all of these and more, I am searching for expertise and wisdom. I don't profess to have read them cover to cover, but you get the idea. We are both searching for God in a complex universe. Open and frank discussion on this subject is your right, Christina. Everyone isn't going to like us, but, as you put it, I respect you for thinking your own thoughts "and for being damn brave enough to put it out there."
ReplyDeleteDear Sex on the Beach, I enjoyed your entry very much, which I found humorous, wise, and revealing. Additionally, I was taken with Theresa's response to it when she wrote, "inwardly we are the burning bush that Moses saw." That's profound. I'll be back. ~ Beth
ReplyDeleteJust keep on being who you are and writing what you want to write about.
ReplyDeleteVery moving entry Christina. Keep seeking and walk your path.
ReplyDeleteSmiles
One thing I become more and more sure of as I live more of this God given life is that God is bigger than any definition I ever try to give to God. As scary as that is, it also gives me great comfort because that means that God's grace is abundant and given even when I can't comprehend it.
ReplyDeleteFaith conversations are great- or at least I think so. I may not always agree with what other people believe but it leads to learning more about others, myself and God.
And that is a good thing.
Blessings, Kari
I have similar feelings as you about my quest to reach God. In a discussion today it was assumed by my conversation that I was speaking against Christianity. My associate was so zealous with his attempts to preach "at" me till I assumed my "ok, do you really know what you are talking about" mode. Which prompts me to listen fully to what is said then question their motives upon completion. My concerns are not with individuals like you and I trying to live a Christian oriented life but with many individuals who seemingly want to crash Jesus and God upside my head without knowing what I know or what position I take. Often it makes me feel as if the perpetrator is trying to convence me that they are the all knowing entity and I am just a poor babe wanderiing in the woods. A sort of holier than thou attitude.
ReplyDeleteAnother grievence I am having with Christian leaders is the constant push to, as many say, correct the wrongs in society as "they" see it. Often they use similar tactics as those who don't believe at all to reach their goals. I have been at odds with the church for years but still help teach a bible class at home.I don't have the sensitivites as you with those who challenge my belief or right to discuss it for my skin thickened over the years. I take the attitude that many of the loudest detractors are lingeriing at the edge and need someone to reach to them. I applaud your will to allow them to, as it is "raise cain". Perhaps both will learn something from it as you will certainly grow from the experience. I do also share with you in being somewhat of a control freak but have learned to allow others to take some of the lead which allows them growth potential as well. It can be humbling tho.
Blessings
Spencer
(((((((Christina))))))))
ReplyDeleteYou have just described the things about yourself that drew me to you in the first place--the things that made me realize that we are kindred spirits, in many ways. Many of the things you write could have come from the depths of my own soul. The fact that we have differing viewpoints about the defnition and reality of God has never been a big issue for me.
ReplyDeleteI think you are a "take control person" not a control freak. I like your open heart and seeking nature. This is your blog and you are perfect in his eyes!
ReplyDeleteLove and continued blessings.
I so enjoyed this entry. Your thoughts really resonated with me. You may be a "control freak" but you sound like an insightful and genuine person! So glad to "meet" you!
ReplyDeleteI have said this before, but I will probably always say it...I DISLIKE LABELS. Very few times do I ever feel like I fit any label except that of my gender!
ReplyDeleteAs for religion, I see wonder in all the religions~little bits of all of them might just make the perfect one. If not, makes no difference to me. I see and feel and believe what I do, and there is no taking that away from me. And there is no way anyone can label the beliefs I hold!
To avoid the incessant labeling, I just call myself "vanilla with swirls"...lotsa luck trying to label THAT description. ::grin::
I think you are a sensitive dynamo. And you do not belong inside any titled folder where your traits can be neatly filed away.
Your blossom should be shared with everyone to appreciate.
Do the tattoo instuctions have any relation to anatomical impossibilities?
ReplyDeleteJust keep on keepin' on, Christina, and don't let those of small minds hurt your feelings. They're not worth the effort expended.
Hugs,
Bon & Mal
"God is out there too somewhere and damn it, I am gonna find Him."
ReplyDeleteYou're searching for God? THAT hard? Why, when he's so obviously already found you?
Yes, girl. Peace.
Peace.
Paula
P.S. I love you so much I've decided to give in to the "face" thing.
ReplyDelete*sigh*
And Christina....if anyone will find him? It will be you!
ReplyDeleteBravo!
THis entry filled me with chills!
Peace
Sweetie,
ReplyDeleteYou need not search for God, for he lives inside your soul. He lives in all of our souls if we let him.
He is the light that shines inside of you. He is the reason you love and care about others as much as you care about yourself. He guides you, protects you and helps you grow in spirit, body and mind.
He is also the reason that you could never hurt anyone intentionally. Only a Godless person is capable of doing something cruel and mean. Do not let words hurt you, instead pray that God enters that person's soul and with this changes his life to one of love, goodness, compassion and understanding.
Love,
Mom