Comforting noise

The wildness of my life is something that I can only label as Joy.

It is my true Chazown.

It is what God made me for, the rearing of young human beings. Steadiness and structure with just a dash of child like humor.

Chasing tadpoles or rounding up imaginary dragons in the backyard are the very things I have been doing since I was able to walk. A vivid and flavorful imagination is, perhaps, God's greatest gift to me.

The one thing I have to offer.

The one truth I live for.

The part of me that knows that rainbows contain a certain taste that makes all people smile and agree, "Yes, life is good indeed."


PS: I decided today to start a new blog that is by invite only...if you want to read you will have to ask because it will be very, very private.

Soul searching

My church is giving out homework for this Chazown series.

This is very objectionable on many levels, I mean who do they think they are, my accountability partners? My mentors in soul stuff? My Church? For Pete's sake, homework?

And it is not the kind of homework that has clear and concise answers or even multiple choice answers, it is more like the stuff poems are made of. It is grey (gray...) homework that makes my brain hurt and my stomach ache. In the pits.

Questions about what makes me tick and what ticks me off. What makes me truly happy and what would I die for.

Yeah, from my church. We do not have to turn it in, so I suppose "they" will never know if I have really done it, but God will know. And I will know.

Be true to yourself.

To thy own self be true.

Hummmmm....the questions probe deeply into my heart and then dig like little burrowing ants. Yes they seems innocent at first but then later it hits me that the questions are not Innocent at all.

They are searing. They are altering, The questions are the type that cause people to quit their dead end jobs and decide to sell flowers for a living, or to become teachers instead of accountants.

Who are you? What makes you happy? What makes you sad? What would you die for?

What would I die for?

No, my church is not suggesting we all become suicide bombers, it is an exercise to find our own personal Chazown, our truest vision. Or really God's vision and plan for our life.

I wonder if it is painful for anyone else to stumble along and realize that the pebbles have always been pebbles and never were boulders at all? That there is always a way to start over and begin again. That sometimes we fail just so God's real plan for us can begin.

All my life I have been a good accountant but never a great and happy one. I have made a ton of money doing work that was not a passion and now, when I think hear that small still voice beckoning to me, the world seems to be in my way. Is that my calling I hear or just my heart?

How does one really know the difference?

Like I recently told my nephew, do what makes you happy and you never really go to work, people will just pay you to do what you love anyway.

Chazown, again

Like many churches right now, our church is doing a series on Chazown, Hebrew for vision or dreams. The theme of our church this year is greater intimacy with God and the notorious leaders have decided that one way to get there is to truly understand God's plan for our lives.

My personal bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11 which is: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. " Somehow the words in this lone verse give me solace and protection from all things. The words are the very basis of my faith but not the totality of my faith. They say that God has plans for me and the steps along the way are necessary for the end results.

Like when one decides to build a new building on a site that has an old decrepit structure, the old building is sometimes totally demolished before the new building can begin. Whenever my life feels painful I think of this verse. In fact, those who receive e-mail from me know that this is how I sign off all my e-mails.

It is a reminder of better things to come.

Like the song I remember my mom singing to me when we fled to Madrid, Spain.

Itsy Bitsy spider.

A song about hanging on and having fortitude and going on no matter what because the sun will come up and dry up all the rain.

God has a plan for me. And for you.

Anyway, back to Chazown and having vision. Right now I am trying to decide what things cause my heart to go thumpty thump thump and they all have to do with children. Going to Royal Family Kids Camp each year is one of the biggest joys that Charley and I have because it is a chance to show a complete stranger, a young child between the age of 7 to 11 that there are good and decent people in the world. That there are lots of adults that can be trusted. We love giving a week of our vacation to do this for the foster kids in our part of the world. We have been doing this now for three years and each year is a new camp.

But it is a joy.

This year the camp's theme is based on Builder Bob and the bible story about building your house on solid ground, last year was a jungle theme and God's treasure and the first year we went was a Royal theme and based on God's purpose for you. We get to spend the whole week giving these kids a normal week of camp at no cost to them or their families.

But, you may be thinking, what does camp have to do with my chazown? Camp was God's way of showing me that accounting and numbers were not His plan for me. That I was denying what He had laid in my heart by hiding in an office behind a computer and working with adults all day.

I belong in a field chasing butterflies and singing songs about bumblebees. I ought to be telling stories about bears and trains with stubborn wills and wiping snotty noses and just loving little souls in His name.

How does one switch gears at my age? People see my resume and think I am crazy. I want more than anything to work at a pre-school or to be a teacher assistant but no one will even give me a chance because they can not imagine what I would want to do that for. And besides, the pay is not what I have been paid before.

Sometimes it is not about the money, sometimes it is about following your dreams and following Chazown.