The beaten path is the safest, but the traffic's terrible.
- Jeff Taylor
I did my tribute to my Mom yesturday because she had the bad luck to be born so close to Mother's Day....but also because I knew in my heart that my entry for today would not be joyful.
Today was a very hard day for me and since this IS my journal I thought I'd work thru a bit of the pain from today. It was Mother's Day which, for most purposes is a wonderful day of love; but, today was also my first Mother's day after my complete emergency hysterectomy. Today was a celebration of something I will not get to do "naturally."
And it was hard.
I know that that is an awfully selfish way to view it but I am just a person and a female person at that. Thus today I mourned my losses and said a selfish prayer that God's plan will include children for me, for us. Both my husband and I were designed to be parents and it will be awfully sad if that isn't part of our path. With my health it seems that adopting babies will be unlikely and considering the facts of MS probably unwise, so that means that older children are probably the right choice. I think that my personal trials with death, sexual abuse, rape, mental abuse from a stepfamily, alcoholism and depression have been His way of preparing me for motherhood to children who will need an adult that can honestly say: "Yes, I know how you must feel."
He has prepared me to be a rock thru His grace alone and I maintain that total faith. I truly believe in the goodness of God. I really trust Him to protect me. Faith is believing with your whole heart what you can not see, touch, taste, smell or hear. Grace is what makes faith possible.
My pain and selfish loss is real though.
Psalm 18:28
You, O LORD , keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.
1grace
Pronunciation: 'grAs
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old French, from Latin gratia favor, charm, thanks, from gratus pleasing, grateful; akin to Sanskrit grnAti he praises
1 a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification b : a virtue coming from God c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace
2 a : APPROVAL, FAVOR
3 a : a charming or attractive trait or characteristic b : a pleasingly graceful appearance or effect : CHARM c : ease and suppleness of movement or bearing
4 -- used as a title of address or reference for a duke, a duchess, or an archbishop
5 : a short prayer at a meal asking a blessing or giving thanks
6 plural, capitalized : three sister goddesses in Greek mythology whoare the givers of charm and beauty
7 : a musical trill, turn, or appoggiatura
8 a : sense of propriety or right
synonym see MERCY
For More Information on "grace" go to Britannica.com
Get the Top 10 Search Results for "grace"
ckays1967 at 9:57:00 PM PDT Link to this entry
This entry has 13 comments: (Add your own)
Christina, your big heart always astounds me. It's Mother's Day, but instead of focusing solely on your loss, you have used it to give more glory to God. He has a plan for all of us, and after all of your life's trials, I can feel that He has a special plan for you.
Love comes in many forms, and there are so many people on this earth who need love. You have more than enough to give. Let it point you to the direction, with God's help, that you will take in life!
Comment from musenla - 5/14/04 10:11 PM
9a- Mrs. Charley Brown!
Comment from mae120866 - 5/13/04 3:48 PM
Christina, if I could turn back time I would have never married Tim. I'm sorry for the pain you went through as a result of that awful mistake. There is a good reason why I tell people my first husband is deceased and the second one should be.
I'm even more sorry that you are feeling the pain of not being able to give birth to your own child. Honey I truly understand how much you hurt and I feel your pain. How can I help you get through this? I love you, Mom
Comment from tsgerkin - 5/11/04 5:23 PM
I understand you perfectly and do not think that you are being selfish in feeling the way that you do. I believe that your faith in God will help you through those feelings. You shine through as an absolutely loving and compassionate person and any child would be lucky to call you mother. I will keep you in my prayers.
Comment from karensull12 - 5/11/04 9:07 AM
Every one of us have selfish desires but I think yours is just natural. Older kids need parents too and think of their loss. I'm sure you could fill in the gaps for each other. It was brave of you to open up your feelings. Take care and may God bless you richly. :)
Comment from wildflower121764 - 5/10/04 10:35 PM
...and you have grace. One of my favorite words, C, and now that I've "met" you, have a fuller understanding of it.
~~it'll happen.
Love,
sam
Comment from haikulike - 5/10/04 10:01 PM
It's not selfish to mourn the loss of bearing children physically. The growth of your family will be in my prayers.
Comment from sistercdr - 5/10/04 9:18 PM
May God bless you and hear your prayers. Love, Beckie
Comment from beckieramos - 5/10/04 7:01 PM
I will pray for you, that if it is in the Lord's will, that He will send the perfect child(ren) for you. As you know, nothing is impossible with Him!
http://journals.aol.com/fisherkristina/SometimesIThink/
Comment from fisherkristina - 5/10/04 9:14 AM
You are speaking your heart and there is nothing selfish about your own personal feelings.
Comment from dbaumgartner - 5/10/04 4:47 AM
This is not selfish at all. It is real feelings that I'm glad you posted. Thank you.
Carol
Comment from eynl - 5/10/04 4:14 AM
I'm with Robbie. You are a special person, cut out to be a special Mom to special kids. The sooner the better. Go for it. Lisa :-]
Comment from mlraminiak - 5/9/04 11:37 PM
Well, that wasn't much of a rant but that's just like you to see it in a positive light. I think you'll make a great mom and there are so many children in this world who need love from someone just like you. Heck, not just like you, but, YOU!
:-) ---Robbie
Comment from krobbie67 - 5/9/04 11:14 PM
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