What causes sadness and sluggish despair? I am not talking about the rational sadness (one with a cause) that jumps up and down shouting, "Yo who....over here, be sad, be very sad." The sadness that I mean is more of an impression that something is missing. The idea that things are not all ok, but when people ask me why I am sad the best I can offer is "Geez, I really don't know."
It is human to get the blues for no reason at all. It is also kind of female. My husband does not really get the blues but ask any woman and she will say that sometimes despair just envelopes her being. Some women become so professional at sadness that they forget how to get to the joy.
For me it rare to feel this way. It is like snow in May....rare but not unheard of. On a certain level the sadness is steeped in the inability to fix myself. There isn't anything I can do to change the illness that have rooted themselves in my body. Like a host at a good party my body is very obliging. I feel sad because I DON'T WANT to be sick. I don't want MS or any illness. I want to dance in the streets, wear outrageous costumes and stay out all night if it strikes my fancy. I want to sing loudly and off key.
I want to be able to run without feeling dizzy....I want to do simple things like shave my legs without worrying whether or not I am pushing too hard. I can no longer feel the part of my leg I shave and this has become kind of a sick worry. (What if I cut myself? What if I don't notice? What if I bleed to death in the shower and Charley fails to wake up? What if I shave, bleed and then get dizzy from the lost blood and fall in the shower? Oh my, what if I loose my sight right now while I am shaving? Lord, just get me thru this shower.)
And I want.
I want.
In wanting, I grow.
In growing there is an sadness for my innocence lost.
And the sadness grows to a warm embrace that frees me from myself.
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Main Entry: 1re·gret
Pronunciation: ri-'gret
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): re·gret·ted; re·gret·ting
Etymology: Middle English regretten, from Middle French regreter, from Old French, from re- + -greter (perhaps of Germanic origin; akin to Old Norse grAta to weep) -- more at GREETtransitive senses
1 a : to mourn the loss or death of b : to miss very much
2 : to be very sorry for
intransitive senses : to experience regret
- re·gret·ter noun
1 a: to mourn the loss
1 b: to miss very much
Yes, this is it, I regret the passing of my healthy self and am forlorn by this shell left here.
Regret is a good word for how it feels to be me today.
This entry has 9 comments: (Add your own)
ReplyDeleteWritten so eloquently. Being chronically ill, I understand these feelings very well. I love coming to your journal. You put to words feelings that I have been having a hard time expressing. Thanks, love xox
Comment from valphish - 4/2/05 7:29 AM
I feel more sadness now because life isn't okay. I never knew this sadness until Kevin. He taught me the grace of being sad...something I needed to learn to learn more about me. Now that I have more time to discover me, I have certain limitations - self-imposed of course. Regret is who I am most of the time. I went from no regrets to regret. That's who I am. I also know about wanting and the freedom I feel when wanting becomes a reality. That's when I do my best dancing. I love the freedom from being me. Hugs, gloria
Comment from gbgoglo - 4/1/05 10:27 PM
Sounds trite, but I`m so sorry for your pain.
Prayers for my favorite poet.
{{{ Hugs & Loves }}}
V
Comment from deabvt - 4/1/05 6:57 AM
since you visited my journal, you know that I too get sad. when I was diagnosed, I went through years of grieving loss of my old self. Fear is also an obstacle. Keep on, its ok to fear, but not ok to let that fear keep you from pushing forward to be the very best you can be, My wishes for you today are that you can examine all that, and realise that you are still YOU,,, and you are doing great!
Comment from iam4th - 4/1/05 5:14 AM
A very accurate description of how I feel a lot of the time. And I'm trying very hard these days to just....not. Lisa :-]
Comment from lisaram1955 - 4/1/05 12:28 AM
And I want.
I want.
In wanting, I grow.
In growing there is an saddness for my innocence lost.
And the saddness grows to a warm embrace that frees me from myself.
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This really expresses the walk we all must take so very well. I have been there, and I know it is so very hard. I understand. I thank you for expressing it so well for us. http://journals.aol.com/theresarrt7/TheresaWilliams-author/
Comment from theresarrt7 - 3/31/05 11:50 PM
You're such an inspiration. Sharing your feelings so openly helps so many people, including me. It's no wonder sadness finds you, hon. How could it not. BUT...YOU do not throw out the welcome mat and embrace it like too many people do. You are wise enough, though hurting, to know where the sad comes from and that some things * will simply BE* whether we want them to be or not. The only good thing about it is that HE knows the reason behind it and one day you'll be dancing like you want too. And oh how I'd love to see that. Hugs and always my prayers.
*Barb*
Comment from barbpinion - 3/31/05 9:28 PM
..... i know.......
i still can't write in j-land yet.... even with a private journal. ...
it's not the same. .... but what you wrote tonite..... i know, i know......... i feel.... what you say.
love,sara
Comment from ceschorr - 3/31/05 9:20 PM
awww (((HUGS)) you make me want to go and shave my legs because I can. Maybe it is time to switch to waxing or nair?? (that was suposed to make you laugh sweetie)
Much Love,
Mary
Comment from hunybea4him - 3/31/05 9:17 PM
Hi Sweetie, I certainly understand your sadness and relate to your fears, wants and desires. What I think is important to recognize is that you give yourself permission to feel and with this you know its all right.
ReplyDeleteIf you need to cry, do so. If you need to start getting your legs waxed...do it. If you need a chair in the shower, I'll get you one. And if you want to sing off key...honey sing with all your heart and know that I'm singing with you.
Love and hugs,
Mom
Mom...this is a very old post. Almost a year old. I just re-read and reposted it.
ReplyDeleteIt is not where I am TODAY!!
DISMAY------FAITH
ReplyDeleteDismay is that which darkens,
Makes one downhearted
and wraps our heart in fear.
Faith is that which lightens,
Breathes sunlight to the dark
energizes our hopes and dreams.
V
Ahhh ... perfection! I tried to keep perspective this time Christina ... that this wasn't an entry written today, but in posting it on this day, I know those thoughts and feelings have run through your mind again.
ReplyDeleteI think maybe it is a good thing to look at these thoughts now while not in their grip, while knowing how real and honest you are with yourself and your world.
I wonder now how the shower is going, if you've held these same fears all along, or if it were like an old willow tree remembered as you drove past town.
We had a good talk with Dr. M. last night and he was letting me know a little about how he thinks and remembers, because I had asked to compare how it feels with me.
I remember thinking how inefficient our minds were to have so many things happen, but to have so many things forgotten over the course of minutes, hours, days, weeks, and years.
And, now I think of you. I feel happy that you like many of us have left such good markers to our past, whether the events remembered are low or high. I think that is part of God's plan too ... to give us a sense of past, present, and future. You've reminded us of all three.
It is to go without saying that you do so, eloquently ...
But, maybe more ... it is like reaching up your hand to God's and asking for reassurance ... "It's ok God, isn't it?" He tugs your hand and brushes the top of your head with one of his warmest smiles. "Yes, my dear ... everything is as it should be."
Us