Tuesday, June 22, 2004


There are so many times that I find myself in a dark mood. And many times when this woman I am surprises me. When did I become weepy? Heck I didn't even cry at Titantic, I knew the boat was going to sink. But now I am leaking tears every time I turn around.

Being nerdy and an outsider has always been my lot in life~I've grown acustom to not fitting in. I am always a little suspicious of people who seem to like me too quickly. Does this make me jaded? No. Cautious? Why, yes it does. Is it this ever present struggle between good and evil in myself that makes other people like me? In my other journal I mention that I have always been on the outside peering in and I truly mean that.



Am I alone in this feeling of aloneness or is all of humanity plagued by this slightly numb feeling?

Courtesy of my mom.....This is me.

"ATTENTION CHRISTINA'S FRIENDS... I have posted two photographs of Christina on the front page of my web site! There is also one of her face at the bottom of the page. Since you already know how beautiful her soul is, I thought it was high time you have the chance to see how beautiful she is on the outside as well. You are welcome to download it if you wish.

Smile Christina... even though I'm in Miami painting, I figured out a way to capture this picture off my computers screen and post it just for you! Love, Mom"
Comment from tsgerkin - 6/23/04 3:32 PM



ckays1967 at 9:10:00 PM PDT Link to this entry

This entry has 20 comments: (Add your own)
Awww.. you're lovely!! So good to finally see you. :D

And I think that slightly numb feeling comes and goes for a lot of us. I hope it "goes" for you soon. ::hugs::
Comment from slowmotionlife - 6/30/04 11:21 PM



You indeed are as beautiful outside as you are inside! Lovely photo, thanks for sharing it with us.

I think we all have moments like this. Like everything else, it too shall pass. Part and parcel of being human; the ebbs and flows of life is what makes it worthwhile.
Comment from musenla - 6/29/04 7:57 PM



Weeping cleanses the soul.
Comment from camaroisle050856 - 6/28/04 8:33 AM



I look young Karen because I WAS young in this picture. It's the only one my mom happen to have on her computer and I thought why not. Gosh to be in my twenties again. :) ~IF I could skip the whole 1st marriage and the man who died thing. Yep...I still look the same but older and fatter.



sigh.



:) Thank you for the compliment.
Comment from ckays1967 - 6/26/04 7:53 PM



OMG...It's so good to see you...to have a face to place with the words. You look so young!!!!
Comment from karensull12 - 6/26/04 2:36 PM



I think that feeling of aloneness is a common human dilemna. But, I don't want to sound too much like you for fear you might get suspicious. ;-p

Beautiful pic! But, I figured you probably were. After all, your mom is so beautiful and so is your heart. Good genes, good heart, not too much ugly there.

:-) ---Robbie
Comment from krobbie67 - 6/25/04 5:57 AM



Hi Christina,
Nice name by the way :o)
I like the Christ in it !
I am moving, get the pics from the diary while you can. They are real.
They are a blessing caught by my digital camera.
Keep in touch by leaving a comment there on Just Ducky. You are a great person and pretty too !!
Comment from lovegroveb - 6/24/04 9:29 AM



There is nothng wrong with being alone, feeling alone, or crying. Crying is natural and is a release. All healthy people cry. Nothing to be ashamed of! The aloneness is (as others have already said) part of our human makeup. It's good to be alone and enjoy the world around you. If you think about it, we came into this world alone and we will leave it alone. It just seems natural to spend some time alone while you are here. Not to mention that it is soothing for the soul. I think we have all experienced that feeling of "being on the outside and looking in". I think it is an ego thing. When I feel good about myself I find I am "in". When I'm having a bad day I feel myself being "outside". Does that make sense? By the way, age will put a lot of this in perspective for you - trust me on that one! Don't worry, you are normal and very pretty to boot! Come to think of it, I don't think I cried at Titantic either.
Comment from rha4497496 - 6/24/04 6:13 AM



Thank mom!!! :)
Comment from ckays1967 - 6/23/04 7:21 PM



Wow, you're gorgeous! :)
Comment from wildflower121764 - 6/23/04 7:03 PM



Glad to see the picture as you are REALLY BEAUTIFUL with hair:)
Just had to tell you that.
a
Comment from dallas0406 - 6/23/04 3:32 PM



ATTENTION CHRISTINA'S FRIENDS... I have posted two photographs of Christina on the front page of my web site! There is also one of her face at the bottom of the page. Since you already know how beautiful her soul is, I thought it was high time you have the chance to see how beautiful she is on the outside as well. You are welcome to download it if you wish.

Smile Christina... even though I'm in Miami painting, I figured out a way to capture this picture off my computers screen and post it just for you! Love, Mom
Comment from tsgerkin - 6/23/04 12:32 PM



Chris, Aloneness IS the human condition. There are times in our lives when we are more vulnerable, for whatever reason, & I believe the knowledge of our finiteness demands to be seen, in its various disguises!
V
Comment from deabvt - 6/23/04 12:27 PM



The majority of mankind feels alone. Maybe a better word is separated. I believe the Ego tries to make us believe we are alone and it is all up to us to make things right. I also believe that we can rise above the feeling of aloneness and find our sense of community. We are all a part of everything, the universe works in harmony with everything. once we grasp that belief we can and will feel a part of everything. Look at a flower, the sky, the stars , an animal, the way of nature is that all things work together....We are not alone,
Comment from punky5678 - 6/23/04 9:53 AM



Ohhh Christina, I understand how and why you feel the way you do. How can I help you feel better inside? I'm sending you all my love and great big hugs! If I were there, I would hold you until all your tears were gone. Then after you finsihed crying, we would sit quietly and just be...like we've done so many times in the past. Write my dear daughter, write your feelings, express your soul and know that I am always with you no matter what. You were not born alone, nor will you die alone. At least not as long as I am alive. Love, Mom
Comment from tsgerkin - 6/23/04 4:02 AM



The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. - Henry David Thoreau

That is the human condition. It is what drives humankind to postulate a Supreme Being. It is the cost we bear for leaving a hunter-gatherer matriarchal family society. We are truly alone.

When I am struck by the weepies, I usually chalk it up to hormonal fluctuations or an adverse reaction to the mountain of medications I rely on to sustain my life on this ball of mud. But as another commenter pointed out, we are born alone, we die alone and with only unusual exceptions, we live out our too brief, wonderful lives alone. So maybe the wailing and gnashing of teeth is justifiable reaction to the human condition. Some of us are just less demonstrative than others. Vive le differance!
Comment from olddog299 - 6/22/04 10:44 PM



I think all of us experience this aloneness from time -to-time. When others asked me about it I say," I can only say how it feels to ME. I think my aloneness is because I am not with GOD. " Truly believe we will never again experience it once we're home. * Just one woman's opinion Hugs, love & prayers, my friend.
*Barb*
Comment from barbpinion - 6/22/04 10:26 PM



When I first realized how alone we all are in this world, I was shocked..and bummed. Even with a loving husband, a close family, friends, work...you come into this world alone, you go out alone, and you're pretty much on your own in between. No one else lives in your skin. It's a lonely feeling. And it still makes me sigh to think about it. But after awhile, you realize it's just what IS... Lisa :-]
Comment from mlraminiak - 6/22/04 9:29 PM



No, you're not alone. So many of us feel isolated and separated from the world around us. Some of us show it, and others don't. I don't know which group has the luck. I do know that though I don't enjoy them, my darker moods often serve a purpose. You will go through it and come into a happier, calmer time. You'll be in my prayers.
Comment from sistercdr - 6/22/04 9:28 PM



You are not alone C, It goes with being human. We are both sides of the coin. Our daily struggle which side has its way this day. I always come out of my dark moods respecting them for what they are... a challenge to my soul. My soul's struggle between good and evil. What endears you to people is the lightness and goodness of your soul, your humaness, your strengths, your vulnerability. Me, I'm on the inside always looking out. Blessings...gloria
Comment from gbgoglo - 6/22/04 9:23 PM