Disconnected.
That is the my overall state lately, a feeling of not belonging and not knowing for sure what to do next but knowing that I am always busy. Like Martha in the story I feel like I am missing out on the most important thing.
I long for the stillness and for the peace.
Many times during the day I wonder how I ever had time for a job.
Yet my lack of monetary contributions is putting a notch or two in our purse strings and somehow I feel, I feel less worthy.
After twenty 23 years of holding down jobs it seems odd to not be working but Charley makes it clear that it is still OUR money. I love the man. He is good for my fragile female ego.
And
Yet
here I am lost in my own home wondering who I am.
What shall I do with this new woman?
Who can she become?
Who has she really been?
What makes her mine?
Do I really even want to know that woman or shall I set her free and pretend she is the neighbor's friend?
(I am not depressed but at a crossroads and there aren't any signs.)
Change is always difficult. You've got the opportunity to redefine your life now. It isn't easy, but man, oh man, it's a heck of a journey. Cut yourself some slack. What you're feeling is very normal.
ReplyDeleteThe transition from laborer for cash to laborer for love is a hard one to make. You are certainly a stronger person than I.
ReplyDeleteThere times I feel the same way... so I am understand. Thank you so much for being honest and I will stand with you and ask God to bless you with His peace... even this very moment :-).
ReplyDeleteYour brother and friend...
Ken
Once again, my friend, I see words I could have written, maybe did write, a few years back. It isn't easy to not work when you have worked for so many years. I was lost in that fog for over a decade. And now, I have more work than I know what to do with.
ReplyDeleteThe moral of the story is, I guess...enjoy this, because nothing is ever permanent in this life.
Wow... I heard these words come out of my mouth.... When Joe was diagnosed with Ca and my job was a strain on our life since we moved 25-30 minutes away from the hospital I was taking call for, Joe suggest that I quit and stay home with the three kids and since I really paid for day care with my meager salary It did not put much strain on our income except for the fact that I had more time to shop and spend... but I thought many times to myself..."how did I get all this done and work too?" You will find your way and be comfortable with it... I promise. You need to come to terms with the fact you are still worthy even if you do not get a paycheck... Trust me on this one!!! Love ya,
ReplyDeletexoxo
Like I have said in the past many times our thoughts belie the reality in which we exist. Being a working woman (any person)does not specifically define who you are. You, thru your writings, have shown me lots of spirit, devotion,
ReplyDeleteconsideration and lots of other good qualities. I would have predicted you would feel lost while not working outside your home but I do feel you will find a new feelingof purpose and added joy as your mind works that way.
Stay blessed.
Spencer
I remember what it was like when I had to quit working (just a year ago). It is a difficult change to have to now focus on you. It may take a while but you will get the hang of it. If you need anything let me know. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteMy sweet daughter, just a few days ago we talked about how you are always busy and that there doesn't seem to be enough time to get everything done. With this in mind my dear, you are working at a wonderful job that many women today are not able to enjoy, or do, because they also work outside of the home.
ReplyDeleteA person's work is not defined by the dollars they earn but rather the pride and effort they put forth regardless of title. Enjoy these moments sweetie, for they are ever fleeting.
Have I told you lately that I am so very proud of you and Charley? Well I am very proud of you both.
Love forever,
Mom
ps...
ReplyDeleteDid I tell you how great it is to have you back!!! I missed you, and our coffee talk.
Just think what you and I have both been through in the past 16 months we have been re-aquainted...
Life is funny.
xoxo
Only previously traveled crossroads have signs I've never found any on a journey. But then again I'm a guy and the stereotype claims we don't ask for directions anyway. (grin)
ReplyDeleteAs for "worth", I always find the following lines from Mother Teresa helpful:
“It is not how much we do,but how much love we put in the doing.
It is not how much we give, but how much love we put in the giving.”
Patrick http://journals.aol.com/daddyleer/CaregivinglyYours/
and you are asking the many questions so many woman ask..is staying at home, being a wife and mother is just as worthy as working outside and bringing in a paycheck? if you ask me it is much more important. you are holding the fort. you are taking care of all. you are being a mother. and you do it all, manage to multiply the hours and organize yet again what couldn't been possible to organize in order to make it work better and squeeze in more to dos...
ReplyDeletehon, this is a different life. but you deserve all the respect and all the love and admiration for what you do is worth more than being queen of the world.
and you do all that, while living with MS..most other healthy as a horse woman can't do one third as much..i know..
pat yourself in the back, gently, and love yourself. you are worth it.