Sunday, March 6, 2005
In the dream there is a softness around the edges that I can not quite see, as is the essence of blurriness, you float there on the rim of my heart and turning my head only swirls the vision.
In the corner of my mind I hear a small cry. It is not God's voice, which would comfort me, but rather it is the lost cry of a child yet to rest in my arms. The small helplessness that we are so desperately reaching for.
Fear overwhelms me.
What if I can't reach the child quick enough to be chosen?
What if I do?
What if I fail?
What if I don't.........
Can the love of a parent have boundaries and more importantly will anyone ever let me have the chance to REALLY know the answer to this question? My heart aches for a child to raise, for children to have that forever bond with....my soul not only has a God-shaped hole in it but also a child-shaped hole.
Fret not, Charley has a bucket and has become adept at catching all the aches weeping from my blue eyes.
ckays1967 at 8:14:00 PM PST Link to this entry
January 15th
One year ago today I began to eat differently. It is called the Ketogenic diet and the information is out there for free ...
This entry has 7 comments: (Add your own)
ReplyDeleteAhh, Charley!
V
Comment from deabvt - 3/13/05 1:54 AM
What a lovely entry! Here's hoping that hole to be filled with happiness and the best time of your life.
Keep the faith.
Kathy
Southern reflections
http://journals.aol.com/gypsytrader49/ksuergiu/
Comment from gypsytrader49 - 3/7/05 11:35 AM
God will take care of the "child-shaped hole." {{{Christina}}} Lisa :-]
Comment from lisaram1955 - 3/7/05 8:04 AM
Christina: You are the softness around the edges.....you are the small child that you so desire. You are a blessing in a world of many options and you are so blessed by Charley and hus bucket. You are the gift that your are seeking, there is no hole in your heart for your are love.
Marlene-PurelyPoetry
Comment from mkolasa101 - 3/7/05 5:49 AM
That is an amazing description: "a child-shaped hole." This is really a powerful entry. The experience of motherhood is indeed awesome. I have found, though, that it is not a forever bond, as I had once imagined. The child grows and becomes his own entity, and you are left mostly with memories of how it used to be. I am at peace with this, because this is the way of life. My sons are all grown and moved away. I have found other ways to have the bond with my soul of which you speak. I wish all the best for you. Thank you for what you do to touch the rest of us.
Comment from theresarrt7 - 3/7/05 12:38 AM
I felt this! God, how I felt it! I ache for you and pray that God sees to your needs. From my aching heart to yours with great love, gloria, kevin's mom
Comment from gbgoglo - 3/6/05 8:54 PM
AH, this entry brought tears to my eyes, and JOHNNY has no bucket. Big hugs, hon. *Barb*
Comment from barbpinion - 3/6/05 8:35 PM
Almost a year later and this still rings true....
ReplyDeleteSo Saddly well written.
ReplyDelete::sad sigh::
ReplyDeleteChristina,
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to look from the inside out.... My days are hard and exauhasting... But I never experienced what you have... not having the choice. I will tell you if he chooses that, being your path, it will happen. It's so hard putting it all in His hands... have faith and believe...
You truly deserve happiness, but know that you can be complete with all that you are.
XOXO,
Lori
If I pretend I know the answer
ReplyDeleteI would be lying. If I say it will happen it is my faith speaking. I will give it up to Him and let it be.
Allowing the blessings to flow.
Spencer
http://spencersotherplace.blogspot.com/
Things are looking up!
ReplyDeleteV