Wednesday, June 2, 2004
Robbie's big IF book
in playing her game today I will also answer her questions....


"We fantasize about both good and evil, about winning and losing, about our past and future. Fantasies are what inspire us all; to work, marry, raise families, create, improve our world. It is why we lose ourselves in books, go to movies, watch television, go to the ballgame and on vacation."

If you had to choose the single biggest mistake you have made in life so far, what would it be?

I have always been an independent spirit. Fiercely free and unwholesomely stubborn...and thus this spirit led to the Biggest Mistake of my life.

{Insert ominous drum beats here please, think taps on an Africa drum.}

I was the kind of girl that always had boyfriends and at many times of my youth I had several young boys at once who would have given their left one in order to win my heart. Now, I realize that I needed this male attention to complete me because what I had really needed was just my dad. I needed his guidance and complete love, I needed his maleness. My Mom was great and loving but my Mom was a female....little girls need a good male role model or they will find a substitute.

At the ripe age of 18 I decided that I knew enough about life to pick my life long mate and accepted a marriage proposal that I basically forced from the Wrong One. Yes, with a capital W and O. He was wrong on so many levels that I could write a book about it. He was lazy, selfish and a liar. He got me drunk and let his friends have sex with me. He stole our rent money for drugs and to buy his girlfriends (pural) things. He told me I was worthless and ugly. He broke my heart, my spirit and damaged my little girl soul that was simply looking for a hero. He almost left me for a younger woman when I was 24 and in retrospect I wish he had.

But, my faith told me that I had to find a way to make it work. I believed in marriage and thought that the only way to leave him would be if he died since that is what my vows said. I started fantasizing about his demise and how I would spend the insurance money. (Our conversations were punctuated with my silent prayers for him to die.) I dreamed that I would finish school, travel and do so many things. Under no circumstance could I divorce him because God said no.

And then it happened. I met a man who told me that woman are good creatures that deserve to be cherished. Excuse me? What are you saying? Woman are good? He became one of my closest friends and then he became my lover. Since I was a sinner I decided that I could just take the next step and divorce this selfish male child I was strapped down to.

The catch was that Gil had terminal cancer and would die but while he lived he taught me about the value of myself and that I deserve to be loved completely...He died 2-18-98 and I met Charley shortly after that. My family didn't understand because Gil had just died. But, when you are in a situation where you know you are dying the time spent living is also spent planning for the future of the people you love.

The last year of Gil's life our quiet time was spent with him telling me who he wanted me find when he died and who HE wanted me to marry. Gil even threatened to haunt me if I didn't follow his plan. I believe that God and Gil got together and hand picked Charley for me. He is a wonderful spouse. Charley is my partner, lover and friend. Charley is home.

And Gil? Gil didn't believe in God. He thought it was a nice thing for others but not for him....that is until he and I spent 3 years debating God. Me on the "for" side, Gil on the "against" side. Gil died hard and introduced us to his angels before going. He told me: "By the way, God is here."

So my Biggest Mistake of marrying too young brought me full circle back to God and to a husband who will actually pray with me.







ckays1967 at 8:13:00 AM PDT Link to this entry

This entry has 13 comments: (Add your own)
This was a sad but beautiful read! Thank you for sharing this piece of your soul with us. God bless Charley.
Comment from gbgoglo - 6/7/04 10:57 AM



Holy Crud! What a poignant story!
{i was trappt on every line^}
It is possible that some people are too
good 4 the werld [filosofy]...You are
doubtless one of these. Bravery &
Blessings~~eternal courage
Comment from slacbacmac - 6/6/04 4:15 PM



Wow, this is really touching. I'm glad you found Charley...
Comment from karensull12 - 6/5/04 8:56 PM



*tear Well I'm glad you were able to get out of that situation, it sounds like you deserve someone good :-) journals.aol.com/bhsjesusfreak07/Adayinthelifeofateen/
Comment from bhsjesusfreak07 - 6/4/04 7:36 PM



wow. the Grateful Dead say of life: what a long strange trip it's been. i guess we can all agree with them. i'm glad your trip has such a great continuation, after a rough beginning. and about your list of books - i'm having the same problem. how is it possible to narrow this down to ONE?
Comment from marigolds2 - 6/4/04 11:40 AM



All in all you have come out on top!
Comment from dbaumgartner - 6/3/04 3:39 AM



It's awful that you had to endure such a life at a young age. I too married way too young, and I regretted it for a long time. But, I believe that we learn from all of those decisions and you certainly learned what is NOT acceptable in a husband. Thank God, you were brought to one who cherishes you! Because, you deserve it! Lisa
Comment from cw2smom - 6/2/04 9:22 PM



Now that's one heck of a can of worms! Thank you so much for sharing it. And I'm so glad you found your way out of that horrible situation. It would be awful to think of someone wasting their life in such a gruesome way. I'm glad your friend Gil was able to help you see the light and that you went on to find someone like Charley. :-) ---Robbie
Comment from krobbie67 - 6/2/04 7:41 PM



What an incredible life you've had. You've really had a roller coaster ride, and you come out smiling!
Comment from sistercdr - 6/2/04 11:11 AM



Oh, love--thanks for this biographical sketch... the layers of you are just so much fun to peel away. At their core is always someone I just adore, even with all that God talk!
Interestingly, my hubby is the ONLY male (and there've been MANY, as you well know) who is NOT my surrogate father, but a completely cool partner. He may disagree, as he has to tell me to clean my room and do my homework, feed me and buy me meds--but he never punishes me for my mistakes, just makes me learn from them. He's pretty much a god to me and a true Christian, though he describes himself as Roman Agnostic.
We're gonna hafta get into this daddy thing, you and I.

Love,
(grand)mumsy

P.S. thank you so much for noticing my new poem! needs work, huh?
Comment from merelyp - 6/2/04 9:59 AM



What a intense story. I'm sorry you wasted so many years with a man who obviously didn't love or care for you the way you deserved. But I'm happy to see that you found your way out, that you found happiness in the end. That's what counts. :)
Comment from slowmotionlife - 6/2/04 8:50 AM



How very true that we look for our daddy in our husbands. We often find a mate who reminds us of him (though we would not admit that out loud, it is an unconscious thing). Yes, it was a mistake to marry that man who abused you and mistreated you, but defiantly not a mistake to divorce him. God doesn't want us in physically abusive relationships. Divorce is not unforgivable, all sins can be forgivable. Glad you have found the One Man who fulfills you and whom God has placed in your life just for you. It is a beautiful thing and rare these days.
Comment from hunybea4him - 6/2/04 8:47 AM



When we get enough distance between ourselves and our "biggest mistakes", we see that they also impart blessings... Lisa :-]
Comment from mlraminiak - 6/2/04 8:31 AM