Aftermath....

Saturday, March 19, 2005
Happy news rated PG13


Perhaps now is the right time to share some of my happy news.



Today Charley and I will finish our last required class to become Foster Parents, which is our first step to becoming adoptive parents in Washington. Many people have options when it comes to parenting that we simply do not have, they can grown them in their wombs and pop out babies on a regular basis. Some people are young and wealthy enough that a birth mother will choose them quickly as the parents for the blessed little "mistake." Most people are healthy enough that they don’t have to fret over health questionnaires and big scary illnesses like Parasagital Meningioma and Multiple Sclerosis. We had to find out whether or not I could foster with my MS and dormant brain tumor before we even got our hopes up.



My child shaped hole is HUGE…I have always played house. I was always the mommy…there was always a baby to love. Those who don’t have children are the only ones who know what it is like to be middle aged woman who stares longingly at little kids and who aches with desire to have children of her own.





Now, take away the ability to have kids. I stopped taking birth control at 25 and did not stop doing the thing that usually leads to children. And every time I was late I prayed I was pregnant. Every time. Only once did it happen and I was not able to carry the baby for more than a few weeks. And in losing the baby discovered that I had cyst on my ovaries…this lead to an emergency surgery that left me with a “C” section scar and the news that I had “the worst case of endometriosis” my doctor had ever seen. He gave me a 1 in 2 MILLION chance of every getting pregnant again. Then he said the scar tissue would most likely result in another miscarry. In 2003-I thought I had the flu and it turns out I almost died from neglecting my endometriosis and ended up having a total emergency hysterectomy. I went to sleep thinking I was having my appendix out and woke up having lost all the tools in my toolbox. Ironically just four days before Charley and I had talked about my fears of getting pregnant because the estrogen often causes the type of brain tumor I had still had tiny little bits left of to grow. Rapidly. I had decided that day to not try to carry my own child because I don’t want to die…. we would just adopt instead. My friend offered up her womb but refused to have sex with Charley. God has a way of preparing us for what will be, a way of steeling our souls.







I do not try to change the things I cannot change.



I faithfully address the things that I can change.



I diligently pray for the wisdom to know which is which.







Some people may wonder why would this middle aged, ill woman want children? Why would she do this…to herself, to children, to her husband…well damn it why not? Why shouldn’t I get to joy of having a child in my life?



Others worry can I do it? Well, I work 50 hours a week, I have lots of social activities, we baby sit family toddlers every chance we get.



And there are no guarantees in this life.



I recently lost a healthy 32-year-old friend who was killed on her way home from work.





So why not me?



Why not us?



Please be happy for us.....and thankful that we are being given the chance to help a child who has also lost their way and maybe lost more than me. Perhaps that is what God has for me.



Today's Quote What is beautiful is not always good, but what is good is always beautiful. Unknown