Soul searching

My church is giving out homework for this Chazown series.

This is very objectionable on many levels, I mean who do they think they are, my accountability partners? My mentors in soul stuff? My Church? For Pete's sake, homework?

And it is not the kind of homework that has clear and concise answers or even multiple choice answers, it is more like the stuff poems are made of. It is grey (gray...) homework that makes my brain hurt and my stomach ache. In the pits.

Questions about what makes me tick and what ticks me off. What makes me truly happy and what would I die for.

Yeah, from my church. We do not have to turn it in, so I suppose "they" will never know if I have really done it, but God will know. And I will know.

Be true to yourself.

To thy own self be true.

Hummmmm....the questions probe deeply into my heart and then dig like little burrowing ants. Yes they seems innocent at first but then later it hits me that the questions are not Innocent at all.

They are searing. They are altering, The questions are the type that cause people to quit their dead end jobs and decide to sell flowers for a living, or to become teachers instead of accountants.

Who are you? What makes you happy? What makes you sad? What would you die for?

What would I die for?

No, my church is not suggesting we all become suicide bombers, it is an exercise to find our own personal Chazown, our truest vision. Or really God's vision and plan for our life.

I wonder if it is painful for anyone else to stumble along and realize that the pebbles have always been pebbles and never were boulders at all? That there is always a way to start over and begin again. That sometimes we fail just so God's real plan for us can begin.

All my life I have been a good accountant but never a great and happy one. I have made a ton of money doing work that was not a passion and now, when I think hear that small still voice beckoning to me, the world seems to be in my way. Is that my calling I hear or just my heart?

How does one really know the difference?

Like I recently told my nephew, do what makes you happy and you never really go to work, people will just pay you to do what you love anyway.