Who was Gil???? Another reposting

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Who was Gil???


I really relate to everything you said. As I approach 50 (my next birthday in January) I think about my own death. You can't help but count the years you may (or may not) have left. I haven't been coming to your journal very long--who is Gil?
Comment from theresarrt7 - 4/17/05 12:35 AM



I decided to attempt the answer to this question in a public manner because the answer may prove to be a form of healing for myself, for my mother.

Who is Gil?

Really the first thing I need to point out is that Gil indeed died of cancer Feb 18, 1998 at the age of 35. He died on a hospital bed that was at the end of the bed we had shared for almost three years, but that is just the facts of the story.

Gil was my muse.

He was the man who told me that I was lovable and the man who released me from the prison of a loveless, pointless and ultimately relentless marriage. Gil gave me back myself at one of the lowest points in my life......Gil gave me back the lust for writing.

He was the kind of man that all woman love because he truly paid attention to you as a person. He was also an insufferable flirt and his coyness knew no bounds. No one was off limits and that, in retrospect, really only means that he had reached that pinnacle of love where he seemed driven to share it with everyone he met.

Gil was all this and more.

He was complicated and simple.

He was a true oxymoron.

But Gil was not the love of my life.

He was a shadow of the love I could have for myself but he did not love all of me. Some of his hurting words linger still in the corners of my heart and are the very issues that I struggle to forgive. Not for his sake but for mine.

At some point in our relationship I realized that I would never be "enough" for him. In all aspects of the word enough. I would be measured and weighed and always come up lacking, the fact that he was dying made me stay to the very end. The man gave me back myself and I owed him that honor.

Gil is the very reason that I married Charley. With Charley I know that my honor will always be protected, that my entire being is more than enough. With Charley I am loved completely. There isn't a thing about that he would change because it is me he loves. Charley protects me like a lion protects his pack....Fiercely and to the death.

Who is Gil?

Gil was a love that led me to true love. A man who I desired but whose very nature meant that he could never be happy with just one woman.

Gil, however, demanded that my next man would be the type of man he wasn't. He threatened to haunt me if I did not choose well....and since Charley has been in my life Gil has been at peace.







ckays1967 at 7:37:00 PM PDT Link to this entry