Pronunciation: ri-'lEs
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Form(s): re·leased; re·leas·ing
Etymology: Middle English relesen, from Middle French relessier, from Latin relaxare to relax
1 : to set free from restraint, confinement, or servitude
2 : to relieve from something that confines, burdens, or oppresses
3 : to give up in favor of another :
4 : to give permission for publication, performance, exhibition, or sale of; also : to make available to the public
synonym see
What does it mean to release things? To give up control?
to set free from restraint, confinement, or sevitude; also : to let go
This has been a month of Release for me instead of a month of Joy. It was suppose to be the end of my sad falls...
Can we let go of something truly in our hearts or does the shadow of it linger there forever?
Does the flavor of experience always color who we are?
Can we ever be objective about anything at all?
Are we doomed by our past?
Can we transcend ourselves?
Can we release ourselves?
Can we release others and forgive them? For their sake and ours?
The last 15 days had the potential to be life altering for me and at the onset I had begun to feel out of control. I started out feeling very angry and I was typically human. Mad at people. Mad at God. Mad at life. Mad at myself for having a Real past.
I did not mention it, but my MS flared up very badly because of it. I was slurring my words, stumbling and in overall bad shape.
And that was that.
I decided that this was bigger than me and I had to give it over to God. I had to trust and really believe in my life scripture:
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for you to prosper and not to harm you.
Jer 29:11
So I gave it up and gave it all to Him. That is how I wrote my Thanksgiving day entry and how I have been at peace ever since. I realized that I can not control this and it is one of those things that isn't worth my health and my sanity.
What did God do?
He took over and has opened up other avenues. I am going to let Him work those and not write about them.
But...but they are there in the back ground...and almost done.
We may just get our dreams, just not the way we expected.
Like Sara and Abraham. Childless in their old age and suddenly their prayers were answered.
I feel every stumble
ReplyDeleteknow what to expect
I attend to "her" needs
with not a bit of neglect.
So in tune with you
where you are at a time.
Oft feel you speak to me
no words but as a mime.
You do real good
keeping your chin up high.
Many not so understanding
leaving only a sigh.
You find strength at times
not knowing from whence it came
yet knowing for real, why
cause "HE" called your name.
I am rocked with you and your circumstance. One reason you are so special to me.
Blessings
Spencer
Christina, this is another journal entry of yours that brought me to sobs. Oh my dear daughter, I am so sorry for the paint you've gone through this month. How can I can help you? Please tell me what I can do and I will do it gladly.
ReplyDeleteI'm grateful that you let go and let God, I am so very, very grateful. What ever he has in his plans for you, I know that it will be exactly what you need.
I love you and I wish more than anything in this world that I could take away your pain and hurt.
Love you heart and soul,
Mom
Keep a weekend open in January.
ohhh no, a typo on the word pain. Darn, it changed the whole meaning! Sorry sweetie.
ReplyDeleteoh....Mom I think paint works beautifully.
ReplyDeleteIt is the perfect word.
Are you going to come see me for the weekend?
Holding breath............
Spencer...thank you. Since your wife is so sick I know you understnad that.
ReplyDeleteChristina, I will do my best to be there for a weekend, or fly you to phoenix on Friday and return on Sunday since I know you have to work. Either way, I will see you.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Mom
fly here...so I can show you where I live....
ReplyDeleteDeep within is the strength the Creator has placed there for you to discover.
ReplyDeleteBon & Mal
Bon & Mal....
ReplyDeleteThank you....
Aw, Christina.
ReplyDeletePlease don`t think less of yourself for the anger and despair. Remember, Jesus showed us that these are things that humans experience. Remember, in the Garden, on Holy Thursday, when He asked His Father to let Him free of the next day`s experience, if possible.Then, on the cross, the cry of despair, "My God, My God, why hast Thou forsaken Me?".
I`m so sorry; it pains everyone who loves you to hear how the stress of the last month has caused the flaring of physical symptoms. The convergence of painful vestiges from earlier Novembers and your experience with the social worker would give pause to anyone`s faith.
.....So I gave it up and gave it all to Him. That is how I wrote my Thanksgiving day entry and how I have been at peace ever since. I realized that I can not control this and it is one of those things that isn't worth my health and my sanity.......
This, of course, is the lesson that Jesus was trying to teach us on the cross, in His darkest hour. I`m so happy that you`ve found it again. {I knew you would.}
You & Charley will get your dreams; I`m just so sorry that the road has been so painful.
Love, hugs and Prayers,
V
Vince....
ReplyDeleteOf course...Thursday.
I had fogotten about Thursday. I know the story, of course, but it wasn't in my thoughts. If even Jesus tried to talk His way out of the pain why should I be any different?
This is an "ah ha" moment.
Thank you...I love you too.
xxoo
Mom...you have guided and loved me all my life. This too shall pass.
This too shall pass.
Itsy bitsy spider crawled up the water spout
down came the rain and washed the spider out
out came the sun and dried up all the rain
and the the itsy bitsy spider crawled up the spout again
ps: I have tried to comment at your blog and I keep getting kicked out but your prayer made me cry.
((((Christina)))) I didn't know about your MS flare-up. I SHOULD have known, though. Emotional upheavals often cause flare-ups in auto-immune diseases.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you have released your hurt to your God. Many of the questions you asked in this post are ones I have asked over and over in my life... Lisa :-]
To relax ...
ReplyDeleteboil tea
bubblebath
slow walk (bundled up)
long sit in bathroom with Bible
holding hands with hubby
reading favorite children's book
looking for a pet to treat
talking to the dust bunnies
create a new graphic
arrange to get a pen-pal third world country
buy a new pair of fuzzy slippers
light a candle
say a prayer
:)
See lots of stuff to be doing!
With you in heart and spirit, all our loves,
Us
My husband hasn't had an exasorbation (I know I spelt that wrong) in 8 years, and we are SO thankful to God for that. We have much to give thanks for. The last two he had were horrible, the last one he almost didn't survive.
ReplyDeleteOn a lighter note I wrote about control too this morning. Check out my Christmas list. Maybe you need one too:
http://gabreaelsbodymindandspirit.blogspot.com/
Christina,
ReplyDeleteI am singing this song with you.
Itsy bitsy spider crawled up the water spout
down came the rain and washed the spider out
out came the sun and dried up all the rain
and the the itsy bitsy spider crawled up the spout again
I love you,
Mom
Oh CHristina,
ReplyDeleteI wish I had known, yet at our own pace we walk.
My friend you cover much ground in this entry, one I am going to ponder, you bring to light so many items that just hold a real truth and even in th epain. I wish I could take that pain...Your strength is incredible, I hope you can see that. What you carry with you, not many can. You inspire me, every day Christina...As we know I am not overly religious(though my poetry says otherwise) Yet I still find the comfort in the words when I read them. More so, that it gives you comfort...Bless you!
One night I was overwelmed and called out to God "I can't do this alone". While I slept I felt the bed move at my side, I was frightened but I opened my eyes to see Jesus sitting beside me. He never spoke but tears were rolling down his cheeks and his arms were open to me. He took me in his arms and I heard in my heart "I feel your pain and know you are never alone". When I awoke I had such peace. Dream, vision, it does not matter. I will never forget that night. We are never alone.
ReplyDeleteGod Bless,
Tammy
Lisa....
ReplyDeleteAyn....
Gabraeal....
Jodi....
Tammy....
Never in my life have I felt so loved by people. So sure that there are people who really care about my soul.
Thank you for your individual love. Each of you mean the world to me.
I am not alone.
I am not alone.
I am not alone.
I am not alone.