Our foster license is not approved and may not ever be approved because the nice lady who did my second interview with me isn't sure that I am over the injustice of being molested as a child. She wants a second opinion or the information from the hospital where I was 25 years ago...
I am sure there are no longer any records. They, the notorious they, want me to get a professional evaluation saying I am not damaged goods.......
I told her that when I was there it was distracting to be talking to the child social workers about kids I really wanted to be helping and to her about the very worst time in my whole life at the exact same time. She said I had a good point.
I am getting very tired.
I am getting very tired.
My heart is so broken.
Our bunkbeds will remain empty for now and the child shaped hole in my heart may never be filled.
A copy of the letter to my mom in her blog, she is on vacation and sometimes a girl really needs her mom:
Mom....
Today was a very hard day for me. The morning built up like a roller coaster and I felt excited. I was ready for a thrill ride and a little scared but I was sure that I was going to FINALLY get to start being a foster mom. That I was going to get to start giving back what you have always given so well to me. Like Charley said....we were on cloud nine.
We spent 45 minutes on the phone with a child placement social worker talking all about how we were going to get this two and three year old brothers this weekend, next four day weekend and then in December, if all went well we would become their long term placement home. See they are currently in short term placement....and their mother has ditched treatment. Again. And dad is, well making license plates.
But this social worker jumped the gun see...because we may not get our license after all. It seems she thinks I gave her all the right answers. Told her what she wanted to hear. She even said that my TONE OF VOICE is too soothing, to in control...like I am trying too hard.
I got a little excited when she said that and said "Do you want me to tell you what I really think?"I think this is stupid. (Raised my voice even.)
Told her it was a long time ago. Of course I did not want to sit there with her and open up old wounds with a razor while two other women were traipsing in and out of the room at the same time...showing me PICTURES OF THE KIDS I SO DEPESERATELY WANT TO HELP. I told her that I dealt with all that.
They are having me evaluated.
They'll find out I'm smart.
I also told her I have always been soothing, ever since I learned how to talk.
I told her they taught me that in the hospital.
She at least had the werewithal to laugh at that.I love you mom.
Don't worry, I have Charley and I am leaning on Vince.
Thursday, November 17, 2005 11:12:31 PM
Christina,
ReplyDeleteIt`s very hard for me to control my anger right now. I`m so sorry that you had to deal with one of the many mental midgets that so infect the bureaucracy.
Please, do your best to relax, calm down, take it easy. Talk to Charlie. Don`t obsess.
The worst that can happen is that you have to submit yourself to an additional evaluation, this time with a Professional, not a bureaucrat.
Christina, my heart knows you. I can`t imagine a better mother. Please know I`m here, whatever I can do. Email, IM, whatever.
And, when the time comes, maybe I can offer the Professional my own opinion as a Ph.D., just some background to help him[her].
I`m here....
Love & Prayers
V
Thank you Vince.....I am so heart broken I can not even think.
ReplyDeleteMy shirt is litered with my tears.
Christina,
ReplyDeleteI can imagine how devastating this news was. Professionally, I believe that you were being evaluated by someone without the requisite credentials to say yes to any situation outside their normal purview.
It`ll work out, and will be worth the additional stress on both you & Charlie.
Love,
V
Sweet Christina -
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine who would have more love to give a child than you. It's ridiculous that something that happened SO long ago could be a roadblock for you now. Surely, the professional evaluator will be able to see what a beautiful person you are...that you are a survivor and that you have so much to offer. I am praying for you sweetheart. And I'm so sorry at your setback. I KNOW how important this is to you.
LOVE YOU!!!!
Kat
Christina Remember He said I will be with thee always...he is never parte from you and he knows what you need before you ask Let us agree you will have a much more rational counselor the next go around and be sure you will have the wish you hold so deep in your heart He abides in you and knows the pain of rejection, torment, and false accusations, he said he will send His Holy Spirit to guide us to alltruth...let us pray for the counselors to be filled with His holy Spirit and to realize how many children need a loving heart such as yours...For the time being this looks like a set back; but God turns everything for good and it might be only timing, and when you are approved the child that was meant for you will just be up to be released into your care. God love you and keep you in the palm of His hand...Love Courtenay
ReplyDeleteDearest Christina,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. I know nothing better to say. Please know Dear Friend that you are in my prayers. This is just an injustice. I know you would have been a wonderful parent. Sending gentle hugs, LuAnne
Comment from thebaabee - 11/17/05 5:12 PM
My very Dear Friend, I am so very sorry. My heart is broken for you and Charley. I guess there are things that are just never going to be 'fair'.
ReplyDeleteI will hold you close in prayer and in my heart.
a
Oh hun,, I will be praying that in the end it will all work out. Get the evaluation. You are a survivor.
ReplyDeleteChristina, we know that your disappointment and anguish must be unbearable right now. Hold tight to Charley and trust that this will not be permanent. Many times when dealing with bureaucracy, the first instance will result in disappointment. We have had experience with this, and it has seemed to us that bureaucrats want to see if we have the fortitude to press our case (which means more work for them) or if we will just go away and let them be. You have the strength to press onward, and ultimately your persistence will be rewarded. Have faith.
ReplyDeleteBon & Mal
This is heartbreaking. I am sorry that this is such a difficult time for you. I don't feel qualified to offer any suggestions but I will say I am keeping you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteKari
Christina, this SO desperately sucks! I would cheerfully strangle that placement worker who "jumped the gun;" and the rest of the incompetent idiots working for this agency. I don't understand how one can hear stories about true psychos somehoew getting foster kids,and then keeping them locked in closets. And the people like you who would be so perfect for the program, so perfect for the kids, get screwed. Where can I write a letter??? Although, I'm so pissed off right now, I don't imagine a letter from me would be very helpful
ReplyDeleteDon't give up, my friend. GOD knows that you are parent material, and he will get you a child one way or another.
Christina, I am so sorry for yet another roadblock in your way. You are going to be a fantastic mother, and I have faith it will happen. You're in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteOMG! That has got to hurt soooo bad.. because of something that happen to you and had no control over.. longg ago.. and somehow that is going to effect you giving a loving home?? Some how I think it will make you all the better foster mom.. because you know hurts and have grown from it and can help others heal.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand I know a few years ago when I wanted to just volunteer at a PRC they interviewed me and did extensive checking.. and I was honest about my own abortion experience. The best thing that came from that was they offered the post abortion Bible Study and counseling and suggested I go threw that before I should work with the PRC. At first I was a bit peeved that they didn't seem to think I was fit just yet to be only a volunteer but I got to say they were right on the money and I am so thankful.
Look on the bright side and think maybe this is part of God's plan of bring more healing and making you an even better soon to be mother. As always I love you and will keep you in my prayers (((HUGS)))
Much Love,
Mary
{{{ Hugs and Love }}}
ReplyDeleteV
My dear friend... you have my thoughts and prayers!!!
ReplyDeleteThere is a reason and purpose in this and I have no doubts you will one day share the victory and freedom you found in this situation.
Blessings and friendship to you!
(((((((((Christiana dear)))))))))))) I am so sorry for such a huge disappointment dear! I am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteloving you
karyl
Comment from klconard1 - 11/17/05 6:54 PM
honey I am so sorry. It's not really over yet, is it? you will speak to soemone else, won't you? surely, this one person can not b e the last stop. You will be such a good mother.You have so much to give to so many kids. You have already done so much, working at the camp. It will work out, I just know. This doesnt' feel like the last chajpter in this story, not yet.sending you love and band-aids for your heart,
ReplyDeleteMarti
Comment from sunnyside46 - 11/18/05 9:56 PM
It isn't fair that you should have to suffer this way. Sometimes it seems as though the initial "victimization" is really neverending. But hang in there. Carry your head high and show those people what you're made of: being strong now is important and will help them to see what a great mother you will be.
ReplyDeleteoh Christinia..... all I can do is send you love.
ReplyDeleteOh Christina...How terrible to have to endure more in this foster care situation! I went thru something similar when trying to get custody of Bubba, when we already had Ab. My dad and I took a test and they said we both score low on "parental frustration" which "could mean" that we were abusive! Arrrrgggh! Noooo...we explained that after working in a prison for soooo many years, we don't get very excited about things and we don't over-react because we've dealt with REAL life and death issues there. An unruly child can be frustrating, but not enough to make us feel abusive. Geez. Hang in there, because there is such a need for loving people like you and Charley! Hugs, Lisa
ReplyDeleteHi Honey, I know we've talked at great length over the phone about this very sad change of events, but I want to write something in this journal.
ReplyDeleteKnow that my heart hurts for you and Charley and that I understand the pain you are going through. I truly believe that the decision was made out of ignorance for if they knew you well, they would know that you and Charley will make excellent parents. V. is spot on about "...mental midgets..." Well said V., well said!
Enough with being nice! The ticked off part of me sincerely hopes that the person, or persons, responsible for blocking your license, trips over a splinter filled log and swallows a frogs head! This may not solve the problem, but it sure will make me feel better knowing that they have suffered as a result.
Love,
Mom